Secret Desire part 1

The dilemma in my life still pervaids.. once it was D, now its past...! Once its was getting married to Chai, now its how to maintain the relation. I am sick and tired of convincing and getting convinced. Once it used to be my studies and just studies...!! huh I wonder, why the hell i ever grew up. I hate adulthood; associated with menstrual cycles every month, the battle of earning livelihood, the scary feel of losing yourself in battle of life, the cramps of a past which still haunt at dark nights when i sleep alone in my bed as if someone is hitting me with a sharp Dagger, the pain of losing my own home, the agony of being a hopeless, the apathy of maintaining the fake relations which hurts me a lot and where i feel so insignificant... the trauma of being a loser and failure and making all my folks ashamed of me...!!

I wasn't this... Where am I? Where is my inner self? Where is my will power lost that i used to fight all odds? Who m I now? Mr.X's daughter... Mr. Y's ex-lover or Mr Z's wife...!! huh Mr. zero's daughter-in-law...!! I am sick and tired.. I am broken .. I feel deserted and vulnerable....!! I am scared that I have to kill myself a day...!!

And leave him behind with no gains in life and zillions of pain..!!

I have become a "poison ivy" for him...!! And it resonates in my lonesome gloomy room-"you have to die... and die and just die...!! "
haaaa...ha......(a pain inside, eyes watery and throat stuck with no words)

"Kill me' oh my Brutus...!!!"