I was expected to sleep and may be snoring loud and louder and not letting my partner sleep peacefully. It's obviously not true as I am awake like an owl at night prowling in search of its prey. Huh, thanks to my scary thoughts and anticipations!
I had grown up in a religious Oriya Brahmin family, happily married to a Kannadiga Brahmin. My parents are from the elite mass and so too my in laws and my life partner. I had read the Constitution when I was in school in my Social Studies classes. I am a citizen of a secular country. I think of peace and prosperity and happiness for me and my close ones. After all these, I am still not resting in peace. I am sleepless and troubled at these off-hours of night. But why?
My soul is not peaceful and is damn f***ingly disturbed. Thanks to that fear which came in and stayed peacefully inside me since I was a kid.
I remember very crudely what happened in 1992, that fine morning of Dec, the 6th. I was in school and as 'B section' class-monitor, I was out of my class, my steps were towards the common staff room and holding nearly 47 English notebooks and quietly following the English teacher. Suddenly principal calls for an urgent meeting and declares school for a Sine die within an hour. I asked Laxman bhaiya (a peon in my school) what the matter is. He told school is gonna be closed since riots have broke all over the country. I was calm and cold and somewhere happy from inside as school will be on holidays and we would be getting an extended winter vacation. For a class rank holder, it’s a big thing to know such news in advance so that you can play your game safely against your academic rivals at the school. But for how long and why? My tiny brain would have never realized the sensitivity of that statement and what it meant. ‘A riot....’!
I was happy and back to my class and started bossing around on my class-fellows. But had I been a grown -up, I would have got the hint. A few seniors, house leaders, and school captains were seen rushing to principal's chamber. I was wondering why? To my utter surprise, within a span of 20 minutes or so, I remember our class teacher appeared in hurry, entered the class. She was not shocked with the chaos in the class. She was steady and calm and called me and the second lead to me, ordered us to keep silence in no-time as she had some urgent announcements. We tried to make the dirty little scoundrels be quiet, as Bilkis ma'am said-" Classes are suspended and all should pack up for home immediately". I remember very clearly, the next door 'A section' teacher, Hussain ma'am rushing into our room and saying all of us-" Dear children, it’s a serious issue. Riots have broken in country and so school is gonna close for an indefinite period. We have informed your parents and home to pick you up as soon as possible. Since it’s not safe, we request all those who are cyclers to leave school immediately and reach home safely...” Soon in no time, the headmaster of Kendriya Vidyalaya arrived into our room, when we were still in the trauma of this Sine Die news and he gave a small insight to the reason behind why the school is closing. In his words-" Dear children, Babri Masjid is being demolished by BJP and Hindus and so there is now communal disturbances and riots have broke all over the country. So, I am being ordered by AC and higher authorities from BBSR to close the school now and look into the fact that all students reach their home safely.We will inform you when the school is re-opening."
God Damn... I asked a friend what's going to happen. How will we reach home safely, since my mom and dad would be in college...? And what about our rickshaw-puller uncle. Meanwhile I saw to damn surprise, the school compound was guarded by policemen and 5 police at the gate. Parents crowded to take back their kids; some sensible and caring rickshaw-
wallas calling for the kids whom they have been bringing to school and dropping back home ritually. I and a friend of mine still stuck with the idea of what to do if our respective dads don’t turn up.
Seeing raged mobs, agitated people in small crowds, rumours spreading like some epidemic, I was getting panicky. It was almost 2 hours. A very few students were left in the school. All the while my brain was thinking what if the agitated mob enter the school, try to abduct us, try to kill us, try to break our school and thousands of such activities kept traveling in my neurons. Seeing someone's father wounded on road by hooligans, while he was in rush to pick his kid, I was even more scared. What if my dad is killed? Shit...! I was so panicky...
While I was still in my thought process, I heard someone screaming-"
papa...papa... baba is here... papa...papa..!!" Dad, oh yeas that’s my dad. He was there near the school entrance with some colleague of his with his car and seeing dad, I was so relieved. I ran and hugged him and following me was my friend. We both were made to calm down and not panic and then we were driven back to home. Thanks to that friend of dad, who didn’t care to put his life and car, of course in danger for me and my friend? While we were on the way to home through the many
galis of Cuttack roads, avoiding the agitated crowds, the Hindus in small groups, the Musalmaans in and around mosques in troops, all armed of course, I noticed burning vehicles and shops closed. Some grocery shops were crowded. People were buying stuff to hoard those so that they can sustain during the anticipated dark days.
Chaos was clouding over the city. Rumours were becoming sporadic and news like 4 people killed, 3 burnt to death, 2 buses burnt, shops are broken and looted, and this
basti with 11 Muslims dragged to death, Muslim kids ruthlessly murdered...!! Balasore is on curfew. Agendas getting passed... Cabinet meetings... Emergency services alert 24/7... The loud sirens of police and ambulance, cities in high alerts, many on curfews and this trauma continued for a few days... People with talwaars and other sharp, deadly weapons were seen in nearby houses, on roof-terraces. A big lock was put on our apartment's entrance for safety of all those who were residing in side. The thought that we were residing in a Hindu dominated area was our sole weapon and in fact entire safety key. That feel of “we” was so strong that time and in 2002 again and still today. Such big time communal violence- Homicides, suicides to save honour, raping women and small girls and ruthless killings, mobs, fire set to hundreds of homes, lifeless bodies of those who were not a part of Babri Masjid demolition. Shame on “us” for being spineless at that point of time and as and when such barbarism took over humanity and secularism...Aaah, bring a full stop to this masaccare.
I was not aware of the entire story till a few days back when I was narrated the fast track story by my favourite story-teller, Fifi. I was sacred on 21st Sept with the Ayodhya Verdict, not able to concentrate at office on my scheduled works after Shiv and Bhaskar had a discussion over the Veridct (that time it was dated for 24th Sept). I don’t want another riot which I glimpsed during my childhood nor the one like Gujrat riot of 2002 when I was still not mature enough to understand the cause and reasons. Hindus killing Muslims, Muslims raping hindus, morality lost, fires set, children orphaned to roads and streets of India...For god sake, stop this genocide. Hindus are also Homo sapiens and so are Muslims...! Can't we think above religion? Can we ever grow up, behave sanely? Why Mr. Modi ordered for entire Gujrat to be made a Muslim-free zone as if they are pests? Why police supported him? Who started it? What was the cause? Who set fire on the train on track? Why Godhra riot took a red colour? So, many questions without answers and to add to it are my fear, which has stayed inside me and has grown up with me since 1992. I have realised I have been infested with this “RIOT-o-phobia”.
Fifi tries to comfort me, assures me that we are safe and explains that mass psyche is much stronger than an individual’s. The slightest ignition gives it the shape of huge burning cauldron of dead bodies. Fifi also says it’s easy to divide and rule. Britishers did follow it and so do today’s politicians. ‘I’, as individual is strong enough to protest but I amongst many “I’s” gets converted to “We”. The whole world can be then divided easily under just 2 words- "We" and "They". “We”and “they” are much stronger than "I" and "You". Once "we" are against "they/them", it always takes the shape of bloodshed and violence and culling of "those" thousand innocents. Wiping off “they and their” becomes the main motto. The mass psychology is so scary then.
The fear of chaos has taken over me so much that I am not in peace from past 7 days. I don’t sleep; anticipations bother me- what if riot happens? What if the train is attacked while I am on my way to home (after 3 years), what if they ask us religion? Fuck off you son of those bitches...! Why can’t your moms make you learn that religion is nothing its just a faith and feeling. Humanity is much bigger than just any religion. Mankind is superior to that
Ram or Rahim, Allah or Bhagwan... Mandir or Masjid, Kailash or Kabba..!Even if the Ayodhya Verdict is out yesterday, but do you think I am fine? Of course a big “NO” is the answer. What if a riot happens after 7 days from today? What if I am in train and Muslims set it on fire? What if tomorrow while driving back to home from office; I am stuck in road by miscreants on the name of religion? What if Fifi is gone to ShivajiNagar and is victimised by a riot? Let me just blame it on that word-"The riot".These F***ing riots have traumatized me, made deep scars on my innocence, raped my intellectual thoughts and still continue to haunt and trouble me. I am 27 and independent but still I am nothing. I am a scared Indian..!
I have never visualized till day that the name RIOT will create such a storm of fear and pain inside me even if I had not been its victim. Watching movies like
1947 Earth, Bombay, Firaaq, Mr. And Mrs. Iyer, Parzania have made me feel what one goes through if he/she gets victimized. I am just scared what if I have to face it one day. I don’t want to lose anything that I own and possess- my name, my family, my social status, my belongings, my dreams and my life. Its 3:40 AM of 1st Oct'10. Currently, I may be safe- surfing the internet, trying to focus on my farm at Farmville,sitting in front of the magic gadget (laptop) in my home with the 9th cup of tea (in the day), though not very peaceful but fingers are crossed..!
I was just too small to understand all of it before fear made its home inside me- Thanks to riots of 1992-93, 2002..! Now I get scared with its name, the way it’s spelled, with the hearing of that word, with its sight in any newspaper and with its anticipation -“
The Riot”!
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